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"Trowa's Secret"Written By: Emerald Pillow Pairings: 1+3 Warnings: Yaoi;Langauage, death fic. Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, you can try
to sue me, but all you'll get is a cat with a half mask like Trowa
(But, her name is Duo...) Comments: It's from Trowa's POV and the story
is about a little secret that he's been hiding from Heero...I hope
you enjoy. Rating: NC 17 Trowa's Secret Part 5 My hatred toward Quatre had subsided. I realize now
why he was relieved of this virus. . .because he deserved to be. .
.and I didn't. This was my punishment for my sins. All the lives that
I've taken during the war. All the lives that will be marked because
of me and my carelessness. I was first infected ten years ago. For
the first eight, I wasn't even aware that I was. I don't even know
how many people I've had sexual relations with in those eight years.
I slept with just about anyone, man or woman; for stupid reasons,
and some not so stupid. Weather it was to gain information for a mission,
to hide myself during the war, or just because someone thought I was
beautiful and wanted me. I've been sexually active for as long as I can remember,
and not once did I even think about protection. Not once did I think
about the other person. There were cases when my word didn't matter,
but for others, it could have. I should have known better. Anyone
who's been a whore for their entire life should know that they were
bound to get a STD somewhere along the lines. . .but I didn't care.
I didn't even care enough to get tested before I had sex with Quatre.
The only reason it was discovered was because I had
been in a motorcycle accident two years ago, and had to be rushed
to the hospital. When Quatre found out, he had resented me, and banned
me from his life. I couldn't blame him. My actions clearly showed
that I didn't care enough for him. I could defend that I didn't know
until I was blue in the face, but it wouldn't change anything. The
only way I could think of to atone for what I've done was to donate
myself to research of this virus. When the virus was discovered, I was already well into
the third phase. It takes ten years for it to develop that much, so
I figured someone from my mercenary band was also infected. Now I
was in the fourth phase, slowly drifting into the fifth. . .which
was known as the final phase. None of the students that have volunteered
for the research has ever lasted pass six months of the fifth phase.
For the last two years I've watched them, one by one, die from this
infection. . .and I was next. At the present time, I'm the only volunteer
that's entering the fifth phase. The doctors estimate that I only
have ten months left. . .and that's if I was lucky. I didn't want to spend those last ten months alone,
but the more I thought about it, the more fitting it seem. Why should
I have the privilege of Heero by my side? Why should I have Heero
at all? As much as I torment him. . .as much as I lie to him. . .he
deserved better. I should just let him go. I'm going to have to any
ways, so why delay it any longer and make it all that more painful
on both of us? . . .because I loved him. . .because he was the only
thing that was keeping me going. If it hadn't been for him, I would
have ended my suffering long ago. I knew I didn't love Quatre. I only had strong emotions
for him; I was attracted to his kindness. Heero was different. I knew
I loved him the first time he kissed me. I admit I never expected
us to become a couple, but it's the best thing that ever happened
to me. However, I can't understand why he would want me? I know he
could get anyone he wanted, if he tried. Of all the students on campus,
why me? There was nothing special about me. . .only degrading. I don't know how long I've been laying in the grassy
field, staring up at the cloudless sky. Though I've tried not to think
about anything anymore, I couldn't help it. I started crying. As of
lately, I've been doing that a lot when I was alone. There were only
a few tears, but it was enough for me to feel better. A aching quailed
in my chest, near my heart. It was because I was getting upset that
it started. To calm myself a little, I thought of Heero. We have been good friends, if not best, for a long time
now. We were able to tell each other things that we couldn't tell
anyone else. For this reason, we both hesitated on upgrading our relationship.
Friends were a rare occasion for people like us. We didn't want to
risk losing each other. But it happened, one night six months ago.
We had gotten a little too intimate in conversation. I can't even
remember what had lead to it, but it ended with Heero kissing me.
I tried to remember the words we shared that night. . .tried to remember
what I had said that encouraged Heero to take the first step to end
our friendship and start something more. I don't think we even talked
about it. . .it just sort of happened. "Trowa?" The voice was soft, almost apologetic
I could have sworn it was Quatre. At first I thought it was just my
imagination. What reason would Quatre have to be here? I sat up straight
as I heard someone approaching me, and turned to face the new comer
The pain enhanced and spread throughout my chest. It was Quatre. I
stared at him, not knowing what to say. I hadn't seen him in nearly
two years. What was he doing here? "It's been a long time Trowa."
He continued and walked over to me. I stood up, and was greeted by
a wave of lightheadedness. "What are you doing here?" "I wanted to see you again." He stopped a
few feet from me. "Why?" "To apologize. . .for the way I've treated you.
. ." He looked down at the grass. Shame filled his blue eyes
as he slightly fumbled with his fingers. "I've been thinking
about you nonstop, since you left." Anger filled me. For some
reason I felt that he came here to mock me. To rub in my face the
fact that he was going to be perfectly fine while I'm going to continue
to suffer. "Wu Fei told me about your condition." "What?" I thought about how my roommate tried
to stop me earlier. Was he going to warn me that Quatre was on campus?
. . .or confess to revealing my health to him? Quatre reached for
my hand and clasp it in his own. "I know how bad you've gotten. I want to help you
Trowa." I jerked my hand from his. His touch filled me with even
more anger. "I can have you transferred to a facility that could
help you more than this small collage. They're better equip to. .
." "I don't want or need your help." "But. . ." "Where were you when I needed you the most Quatre?!
You abandoned me. You condemned me and accused me." "I know." "You know?. . .What the hell do you know Quatre?!
Do you have any ideal what it's like to have the first person you
ever gave a damn about to turn their back on you? Do you know what
it's like to be alone and sick and not know why?" "I'm sorry." "Sorry?!? Is that suppose to make things better?!
Two years Quatre! It's been almost two years and I haven't heard shit
from you and now. . .now you want to help me?!" I felt the tears
burn my eyes as the pain worsen. I could barely breath. My chest was
hurting too bad. I don't know why I was being so cruel to him. I couldn't
help myself. I guess I wasn't over my anger yet. . .he seemed like
the perfect candidate to unleash it on. "Or did you come to remind
me of your success?" He took the comment harshly, but I didn't
care. For the first time, I allowed myself to fall into my rage. "I
guess now that you're well, I should just forgive you for exiling
me? I should act like nothing happened. Pick up where we left off?
Before you found out I was sick? Is that what you want?. . .oh, but
this time, let's make sure we don't fuck, okay?" "Trowa. . .you shouldn't be getting upset."
"Don't worry about me Quatre. You didn't before.
Why start now?!" I walked pass him. "Trowa, please wait." He grabbed my hand and
held on tightly. "Give me another chance." "Haven't you already gotten that?" He grew
silent and released my hand. "So take your second chance and
live the way you want. Don't waste it. . .because you might not get
another. Some people aren't so lucky." With that, I turned to
leave. It was then that I noticed Heero entering onto the field. He
seemed a little confused at Quatre's presence. As I approached, I
tried to walk by him as if he wasn't there. I'm not sure why, but
I didn't want Quatre to know that there was anything between me and
Heero. "Trowa." I usually stop whenever Heero called
me, but this time I didn't. I pulled my arm away before he could grab
it and kept walking. He followed me. I could hear the footsteps coming
from behind. "Trowa!" I stopped just as he reached for me.
Before he could get a firm hold, I spun to face him. One look into
his eyes was all it took for all my anger to wash from my mind and
body. I suddenly felt guilty. Guilty for what I had just said to Quatre.
. .guilty about trying to ignore Heero. . .just guilty for everything
I was and done. "I'm sorry Heero." I whispered, knowing that
I was once again crying. I didn't wait for him to answer. I flung
myself into his arms, wanting him to comfort me. "I'm so sorry."
I held him tightly as my mind relived the night Quatre claimed that
he never wanted to see me again. "Please forgive me." "It's okay Trowa." He had no ideal what I
was apologizing for as he slipped his arms around me. All he knew
was that I asked for forgiveness and he wanted to give it to me. He
rubbed my back tenderly and kissed my temple. "Why's he here?
What'd he say to you?" He knew how hard I took the breakup. He
knew how much it hurt me. . .but he didn't fully understand why it
happened. "I don't want to talk about it." I slowly
opened my eyes in time to see Quatre step from the field. He stopped
as he discovered that I was in Heero's arms. A look of hurt clouded
his features. He still had feelings for me. . .good. Let him suffer
like I have. I closed my eyes and held Heero more closely. I don't care what Quatre claimed. No facility could help me. I was already a dead man walking. This small collage did do some good for me though. . .it had Heero. No other facility in the universe could offer him. As Heero continue to hold me, the pain in my chest cease
to exist. ~ * ~ Chapter
6 |
